A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory -- an empty bottle of gin.

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Never accept a drink from a Urologist.